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Benjamin then said to me, “Man, if that girl could become a pastor’s wife, anything is possible.” I suspected that Benjamin himself had slept with the pastor’s wife when she was a university student, but I did not ask. I did ask whether he thought that the pastor knew of his wife’s sexual history, and more broadly whether most Igbo men are aware of their wives’ premarital sexual pasts. Benjamin’s view was that while most men no longer expect that their wives will be virgin brides, women are careful to minimize what potential husbands know about their sexual histories. Young women are quite conscious, he insisted, of the shift they must make from being a “promiscuous girl” to a “good wife.”
I certainly do not mean to suggest that all young Igbo women have many sexual partners before marriage, nor do I mean to imply any moral judgment about women’s premarital behavior by using the word promiscuous. But I do mean to signal that in the minds of people in southeastern Nigeria, young women’s premarital sexual behavior is considered morally problematic, albeit also perpetuated and tolerated. Further, the incentives for premarital sexuality are so great that I am quite sure the phenomenon I am examining is exceedingly common. The reasons why women feel not only obliged but highly motivated to marry and to transform themselves from promiscuous girls to good wives have been alluded to already. Marriage and parenthood remain the paramount markers of a life well lived for both men and women, and for women the achievement of this status comes with many benefits as well as many constraints.
But the questions remain: how are young women able to manage their self-presentation for men as they make the shift from single to married; how is the transformation experienced by women once they are married; and how is all this experienced by men? The demographics of courtship and marriage and the social process by which they occur provide a big part of the explanation for how such a dramatic transformation is possible. Two demographic factors are paramount. The first is migration. While migration is part of what enables young women to experience significant sexual freedom, it also protects them. For most women who have led what Nigerians describe as promiscuous premarital sex lives, their sexual behavior occurs in the context of migration away from their (mostly rural) places of origin. As such, many, if not most, young women are having premarital sexual relationships in cities and towns or in secondary school and university settings where they live away from the monitoring and supervision of their parents and extended families. The second factor is the age asymmetry that characterizes many young women’s premarital sexual relationships. To the extent that young women are considered sexually promiscuous, it is frequently in the context of their relationships with older married men, with whom they are seen as trading sex for economic support. These sugar daddies are not potential suitors for marriage, and young women do not risk alienating a potential husband if they appear sexually eager, aggressive, or adventurous in these relationships. It is my impression that young women are more careful about managing their sexual self-presentation with single men who are closer to their own age, particularly as they approach the point in their lives where they are “looking for a husband.”
But the typical pattern of how Igbo people marry is by far the most important factor in explaining why it is possible for women in southeastern Nigeria to construct identities as good wives, no matter their sexual histories. While women’s premarital sexual behavior tends to occur most often away from their natal communities, the process of marriage usually runs back through a woman’s (and a man’s) place of origin. Although most Igbo communities are patrilineal and marriage is always lineage exogamous, in a wider sense Igbo society is highly endogamous. In Igboland, there is a strong preference and expectation that people should marry from neighboring communities with whom their families and communities have reliable and long-term ties.
High levels of out-migration and the mixing that is the result of urbanization, co-educational schools and universities, and livelihood strategies that take even rural residents to far-flung destinations have put pressure on this endogamous pattern. More and more young people seek to marry spouses from far-away communities, and families are beginning to recognize that in an era of economic transformation, this can be a good strategy. Nevertheless, most marriages among people who have otherwise circulated widely in Nigerian society during their young adulthood still occur between people from the same regional areas in Igboland. Future spouses are often introduced to each other on visits home during the Christmas period, when all Igbos are compelled to visit their places of origin. Further, when young Igbos meet potential spouses in cities, it is often through introductions by people from their same area of origin, as everyone is mindful of the norm that such ties make the most stable marriages. The practical consequence is that many young people know very little about each other when they begin to court, and it is quite possible for a woman to hide any history of sexual relationships from a potential husband.

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